Gracefully Broken And Flawed

I am rethinking the spiritual journey category under my blog and asking God for guidance. I want this category to be a place I can be vulnerable and open up about my own struggles and weaknesses and what God is doing about them.

I was meditating on God’s word sometime last week and I heard this voice tell me, “You cannot help anybody when You are “up here” i.e having experienced God, and considering others to be down there because they have not encountered Him.”

It is hard to talk about our struggles and difficulties, we find ourselves walking everyday with so many questions, struggles and worries that we are not brave enough to disclose because of fear of ridicule and stigma by people. The society is encouraging people to open up about their problems but also pointing a finger and discussing them in the shadows.

I am more broken and flawed than you can ever imagine. I have so many struggles and weaknesses, that I even question God, “are you sure You want to use me?” When I think about it, I am a mess, I am proud, I am stubborn, I am wild at heart, I am impatient, I am a smart-ass.

Why have I highlighted the above? Because these are some of my current vicious strongholds, these are the things that cause me to disobey God on a day to day basis. I have dealt with some severe ones that are not so much a problem these days by God’s grace: anger, hopelessness, despondency, over-sleeping, arrogance, slack moods, instant gratification... to mention but a few. They were several.

But God.

Short story

There was a time I was pumped about watching one of my favourite telenovelas, (I always insist for learning purposes). Lol.

Anyway, so the whole program is about 141 episodes. I downloaded the first 5 episodes patiently (note that the Wi-Fi we use at home can at times be taking walks with the snails), but we thank God for Wi-Fi.

So I started binge watching my five episodes and when I got to the fifth one, the suspense at the end was literally killing me. I legit do not like suspense and mysteries because I am always wanting to solve the puzzles. My sister can attest to this, I downloaded the 46th episode with my own data bundles after searching our young friend Mr. Google to reveal which episode the main character reappears after she allegedly dies in the fifth episode. After, I explained to my sister the turn of events even without having watched 41 episodes.

So this is me,

And God wants to get me from episode five to episode six {patience}, He wants to teach me to watch an episode a day {self-control}, He wants me to be at ease with the package we currently have for our Wi-Fi {contentment}, and not to be so excited about what will happen in future and forget to focus on the present {humility, moderation and meekness}.

If I am to count the times I have disobeyed God, they would be too numerous to count. And I too, have missed His instruction, His directive, His guidance and His will for my current situations. But the beautiful thing is that His mercies are new every morning and we get another chance to correct our mistakes and try again.

I am the type of woman who does not relent when I begin projects or new journeys and I thank God for the spirit of resilience in me. I will look for ways to make things happen; I will try all means with all the strength I have but when I get weary, I genuinely let go.

Take for example, yesterday, I got to a point of mental, emotional, spiritual and physical exhaustion. I got up, complained, ranted; I was tired of waiting on God, and being patient. Unconsciously I prayed

Lord, change my attitude it is becoming toxic to myself and to others

Immediately, I mean immediately!! I saw this message on wisdom in trials on YouTube and knew it was truly meant for me.

Nobody is perfect; we are humans and with just that, we are prone to sin because of our fallen nature. I am on the bus with all of you my lovely readers.

God spoke to me saying, “I have not called and chosen you to condemn the sheep who are without a shepherd, I have not saved you to think highly of yourself, I have not called and chosen you to be served by men and accept their praises and exaltation.

I have called you to be My servant.

It will not be easy, but I have vowed that I will never leave you

Will you obey?”


Message dedicated to my beautiful cousin Njoki

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