I trust you have all been well and had a lovely week. Mine was amazing among experiencing emotions of defeat and weakness.
I feel as though I have been drowning these couple of two months. I have been overloaded, overwhelmed and under-fire. I got to a point I was so weak that my will gave out. I had so many doubts, fears and even suspicion towards God. I wept.
I just told Him— “I don’t think I can go on any more, I don’t know how to move, my passion for writing the gospel is fading, my joy is fading, my light is dimming down, I am honestly hurting and I am having a hard time trusting You.”
But, let us back up! What had been causing this?
I got really disappointed when something I was praying and hoping for didn’t materialize early last month— my prayer wasn’t answered how I would have desired God to do it. So, I had been sweeping my hurting thoughts under the rug while giving myself strength and pep talks all in the guise of “
this is what God would want me doing, not feeling sorry for myself; strong like Job!” Wrong move! It’s so funny I almost forgot WHO I was dealing with here. –The Lord God Almighty who knows when an ant dies. And here I was masking my feelings and being tough by my own strength.
Psalms 139:7-12 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
Long story short. He got me to express the pain and anger in my heart after struggling with the Holy Spirit’s convictions. It was almost like playing chess and when my moves were done, He said, checkmate. I had no more moves but tears. I lamented to Him and poured my heart out in truth and to be honest that was the most healing experience I had since I started taking care of the issue myself. He understood me, He did not condemn me, He heard me. So now, we are back on the trust journey with a clean slate.
Now to my point!
There is no shame in giving up, being wearied down or being weak. I believe the thoughts that arise to condemn our weaknesses are from the devil. In fact, there is no problem with questioning and having feelings that cause us to doubt. God knows our hearts too well; therefore I honestly don’t know where we get this notion we can fix it by ourselves.
I believe God wants us to be really honest with what we are feeling and going through in our hearts. Some people perceive this to be weakness, but not so. God created all things, men and women alike, that He may have relationship with us; not just church attendance, but a true friendship. Only which we can obtain through trusting Jesus—that He is able to carry our burdens. He understands us more than we understand ourselves and He is able to take whatever pains, sorrows, disappointments and anguish we experience in our lives and use them for His glory.
When Jesus said, take My yoke upon you and learn from me, He meant exactly that. Bring your baggage, drop it at My feet and learn from Me, listen to Me, emulate Me, follow My commands and you shall find rests unto your souls.
But as human beings we have the habit of picking up back our baggage over and over again.
I have been there, guilty, guilty as charged and I know most likely I might pick them back again unconsciously. However, I am now reminding myself that I am weak and only God can carry them for me.
All the pressures of life, achieving our goals in good time, anxieties of missing opportunities and wrestling with God end only when we submit to God and focus on Jesus.
You know, I am so ridiculously weak sometimes I honestly wonder what God is doing choosing me to represent His kingdom. I am enticed by the pleasures of the world, sleep here, telemundo there 😂 (I’m not even ashamed of this, the Spanish gene in me is strong mehn!) among many other strongholds that persist. But this is no excuse to push away seeking the Lord with as much passion and zeal or even more as I do when I am focusing on earthly things. Jesus asked,
Luke 6: 46-49 “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say? As for everyone who comes to Me and hears My words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like. They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”
So help us Lord, that we may not be hypocritical and deceptive with You but judge our own hearts and come to You with whatever ails us.