Hellooooooooo 😉

I hope you’re all doing well despite this cold weather and I hope you’re also keeping warm.

So I have this post that I wrote two months after I resigned from my full time job last year.

I knew that I wasn’t going to post it then when I wrote it but I still wrote it down anyway because my heart desired to express to God what my thoughts and feelings were. I was still not in a space to share publicly this part of my journey since I was still in much confusion concerning where to go next.

I admit, I was quite scared because I didn’t know what to do, how I was going to provide for my needs, or even how I was going to face people’s questions.

And if you notice, those questions are only “I” centred…. How I, what I, when I, what will I…and many more I’s.

Reflecting upon it now, I see how immensely engrossed I was on myself all the while thinking that my trust in God was solid. And not trying to imply that I now have a handle on that… but just recognizing that I know less and less about myself with each passing day as God actively works in me.

So this is the prayer I wrote to Him…I know for sure it’s somewhere around December 2020 but I can’t quite remember the date since WordPress revises drafted posts even if you update a comma.

So I’ll leave this here and I hope it encourages somebody because truly God has walked with me faithfully and lovingly despite whatever ups and downs I faced. And He has held me up, not letting my foot slip as He has promised in His word.

Dear Lord,

Have your way in me. Guide me, lead me, show me the way that I may not stray from the true way of everlasting life. I am here. I am Yours.

Some times I am confused on which path to take, other times I am too eager to reach the destination I have created in my own mind and forget to ask for Your counsel. Most times these days, I have no idea where I am going; like a wandering pilgrim, a small sheep, I step out into this fierce world praying that You are with me at all times.

Show me the way Lord, that I may walk in it. Teach me Your ways that I may know them. And when fear grips my heart, remind me Your words of promise.

Salvation and deliverance is of the LORD. I will yet wait on my Father.

Keep me grounded and firmly rooted in You at all times. Let my heart be true to You in all situations.

O LORD, how I honestly fear to disappoint You. I never want to ever go back to that dark past that was my life. I am scared to fall or fail…and I know this is foolish because You have promised never to leave or forsake me, and you have also promised to walk with me forevermore.

Thank You for the peace and courage You have granted me thus far. I have never even for one day felt condemned for leaving employment. You have given me peace and rest. Thank You Father.

What should I do next? I am confused, I have tried applying for school admissions and whatever I get is not what my heart truly desires. I have tried applying for other jobs, (out of fear, anxieties and worries) but nothing!

You know just recently, I remembered the conversation that we had with Dan and I remember how he spoke about the way You led him to the work he is doing now. LORD, I honestly do no want to experience strife any longer. There are applications that I have already sent out that I am already cringing in case they are to offer me the job because I know it will require me to strain.

I do not want to strain any longer. I want to serve You with joy, full of life and heart. I know You know my heart more than anyone else. You see what goes on in there, You see when I am masking feelings, when I am not expressing myself truly, when I am in the dumps and when I have joy.

You see Lord! You see everything!

Your Word says, delight thyself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of Your heart, commit thy ways to the Lord and He will bring it to pass…Lord, my greatest desire is to see people come to know You as I have known you— or even deeper; and have a relationship with Christ from the heart based on truth. My desire is to serve You with my whole substance.

I desire to do Your will O God.

But at times I think of Paul and the sufferings he endured. I think also of many of Your servants who have experienced such harsh conditions while on earth for Your namesake and Your Word, and I get frightened. “What if I am to die for this?” Well, it’s not that I do not trust in the resurrection, but it scares me! It does. Help me to move with You a day at a time.

I do not want to remain idle. I know that You have given me this wonderful gift of service and meticulous organization skills…and I know that I would be a great asset where needed.

O Father….no more confusion or unnecessary pressures. You know for real, I am even scared to pray for a job hahah, I might get there and it is not what I thought. So You lead me Lord, lead me Father.

Put to silence those who are watching to see me fall. Let Your name be lifted up always in my life; that they may see You in truth and know the deep love You have for all Your children.

Create in me a clean and steadfast heart of love everyday. Thank You for correcting me and rebuking me….with time I have come to see it is from a place of love and not disappointment. LORD, I honestly do not know how to thank You for the restoration You have done in my life. You have given me beauty for the ashes I held on to for so long…so foolish when I think of the value I placed in some of those things I clung onto with my life.

But O Lord, never gave up on me…Thank You.

Renew my desire to walk with you all the days of my life. All that is mine belongs to You. You are my whole life Father. Well… I know I am Your whole life too and even more, but You mean the world to me Lord. 🙂

What You have done for me, the joy You have given me LORD …there are no words. To be known by You. to be loved by You Father makes every single heartbreaking experience in this corrupt world worthwhile. I am in desperate need of Your counsel and Your friendship everyday.

I am your’s always and forever.

Thank You for loving me, for choosing me, for knowing me, for wanting me, and for dying for me.

♣