I don’t know whether taking a break from writing is/was a good thing or a bad thing; but I pray that whichever the case God use(s/d) that time for His own Glory. Why do I say this?
I am a perfectionist. I love to carry out all my tasks perfectly, which means that automatically translates to my life; i.e. live my life perfectly.
I think that is also the reason why I probably struggle with forgiving myself too. I am hard on myself and soft on others. So you can imagine how I beat myself up if I have purposed to do something, or carry out a task, but fail to do so according to the standard I have at the back of mind (which is high mind you). And before you think, that’s ridiculous! Let me alert you,— I also tell myself that every day.
And this is exactly what I have experienced almost the whole of January. Failed goals and purposes. Reviewing the month, some of those voices that frequently visit me even started to suggest, “it is because you stopped writing, that is why you have been failing.”
By the time 4th February had rolled in, the voices had grown persistently to, “back to writing huh? what can you even tell others seeing that you have been failing God?” Nothing, I thought.
I do not consider myself to have this great faith. But remember I have a perfectionist mindset, so at the back of my mind whenever I fail, it is because something must be wrong somewhere with how I am doing things and in this case, — my relationship with God.
Anyways, as the forces of darkness were/are busy doing a number on my trust and rest in God. God’s faithfulness shines like the noonday sun.
I could tell you many things about God, but today allow me to just tell you about the most appealing nature of God for me; that which makes me come back to Him in, during, and through all my dark places in life. Grace. His unfailing love, and the way He welcomes back the lost, and encourages the ones already dining at His table.
25 “Now his older son was in the field. And as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing.
26 So he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant.
27 And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and because he has received him safe and sound, your father has killed the fatted calf.’
28 “But he was angry and would not go in. Therefore his father came out and pleaded with him.
29 So he answered and said to his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have been serving you; I never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends.
30 But as soon as this son of yours came, who has devoured your livelihood with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him.’
31 “And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours.
32 It was right that we should make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found.’ ”
The devil sends vexations to God’s children with questions and doubts. “Did God say? He already forgot about you. He isn’t as concerned with you now that you are His child. You are really messing things up aren’t you? Are you sure God will deliver you, things look pretty bad,– just have a look. (And they actually do look bad)”
I guess what I am trying to say is I have my bouts of doubts. But God does a wonderful job in reminding me that I am saved by grace through faith. Not by my works. My perfectionist tendancies really come through for me in other areas of my life but fail me miserably when it comes to faith. Because I have to come to this point every day; recognizing that I can’t achieve God’s standard no matter how hard I try. I can only trust that what Jesus did on the cross for my imperfections and shortfalls was enough.
Living the faith life isn’t easy. It is easy to say trust and have faith. But it takes a lot of failing God to realize that even faith and trust is a gift from God that only comes when we keep seeking Him even in our most desperate times.
Wishing you all a blessed week ahead.
With much love from my end.