I have a confession.

I have been battling a lot of condemnation from the devil. A lot of condemnation; all arising from how I am serving and loving others as God commanded.

I began this year on a high note: however, I made such a mess of things where I work that I just got to a point I didn’t want to keep going.

Instead of forgiving myself and understanding that God sees my heart and genuine sorrow, I got into a habit of giving those shambles huge autopsies.

Cutting on them, poking on them; bleeding myself almost to death: emotionally, physically, mentally and even spiritually.

I have this giant weakness: perfectionism!

And no, this is not just that flamboyant perfectionism trait that people at times throw into sentences for the sake of it. It is the perfectionism that is to the detail. The kind I will notice the errors while reading a text or a passage immediately… yes, even if I will enjoy, appreciate, or even critic the passage, I will still notice the errors if there are any.

And I loathe the way I at times twist this beautiful God-given gift to such terrifying heights. I can spend hours editing my posts to perfectionism. My goodness! Taking days upon days to ensure that it is perfect. God forbid I notice an error after I have pressed that publish button!

Now, can you imagine when I make a mistake or create a mess somewhere?

I have set such high standards for myself: it is honestly ridiculous! And I beat myself up so badly whenever I come short.

Yet, I am not perfect! Not even by the narrowest of margins!

Living this way is draining me, it is draining my desire to minister to others, my desire to write, my desire for God and for so many things I love to do because I am getting discouraged easily.

And to be honest, I am afraid for myself. I am afraid for those I am serving and ministering to, and especially for those whom God will bring into my life as a blessing— to walk with for a lifetime.

I need help from God and help to pray over this issue because I am honestly tired. The devil knows this weakness and he is using it to discourage me severely and sometimes also uses it to try to make me to elevate myself to heights of pride.

May God help me to submit this issue over to Him and surrender it to Him completely. I want to have healthy relationships and friendships that do not live under the microscopic gaze of my eye.

I want to love people for who they are, serve people because Jesus is my Lord and Master and just pray for people. I know that I can’t get rid of my perfectionist tendencies entirely because they are a part of who I am. And also because, in many places, they come as a blessing. And I also know that it might even take years to get a healthy balance.

However, I also know that God is able to help me to go easy on myself; to be gracious with myself and to laugh at myself some times whenever I act, speak, or behave foolishly.

Please join me in prayer and help me to pray over this issue. I need grace, strength, and wisdom: to know when to use this gift and when to put it aside completely.

♣