What a journey it is to be a Christian. It is a blessing indeed– but one that comes with true heart sacrifice.
The past year (2021) leading up to this moment has been a rollercoaster of experiencing so many things.
I shifted from an extremely busy work environment to an environment that was rather laid back with comparatively minimal pressures.
Coming from a demanding work environment to a more flexible environment, triggered a sense of laying down all work pressures, stressful baggage, as well as the daily routines I had developed.
Everything in my life seemed to change: from my time to wake up, to my time for prayer and Bible study, to my job roles… basically the whole frame (including the details), of my life changed from what it was to something totally different.
Taking into consideration as well, that it was also about that same time that I made the transition from the Catholic Church to a Bible believing and teaching church.
The changes that took place subsequently I believe, were expectably normal. Because even if you are to examine daily life, whenever there is a disruption of normal routine, the next course of action taken is usually one of: how to get a new routine that is suitable to the change – thereafter.
And you know, the funny thing is that, when you are especially used to following a certain routine, that routine becomes so highly wired in you that it becomes part of who you are.
In retrospect, so many changes took place in my life at once, during this transition, that I never imagined how deeply they would affect the way I would respond to daily life.
I am actually surprised because it has taken me writing this post to realize it and even put some of the pieces of the puzzle together.
With those changes taking place, I also eased from the routines and strict schedules I was following religiously. Only, as I was doing this, it wasn’t done in a manner that was consciously planned; the relaxation of one thing led to another, then to another, and slowly by slowly, and might I emphasize once more – quite unconsciously, I placed almost all my gears in neutral position.
Still, I will honestly admit, God allowed me such a freedom to plan my own schedules, be my own self-starter, organize my life without pegging it on a work routine or rather, propelled by any external forces, so as to live this new chapter of my life freely.
I began well (and by well, I mean the standard I believed was acceptable to me), since I was following my previous routines. But as I had mentioned, I got to a point where I began wondering why I was pressuring myself with strict routines because I was no longer tied down to a busy schedule.
From thence, I started waking up a bit later than usual, changing my me-time with God from the more strict times I had set to – speaking and praying to Him from my heart: whenever and wherever.
Now, communing with God in this way was freeing on one hand, but on the other hand, I felt as though I was somehow lying to myself.
Why? Because I appreciate order and organization. They help me work efficiently and effectively, and honestly, because outside of these factors, more often than not, I always feel confused. Hence why I kept feeling a sense of self-deception because, there were times, whenever I began praying (wherever it was), I felt out of place, out of sync, and even lost.
(I am still struggling with this even to-date.)
Anyways, I found myself struggling to get up early; one week I was up early, the next, I was sleeping in for a while. And coming from a background of order and doing things when they needed to be done, I was wondering what had gotten over me.
I had cultivated a habit of slothfulness, I was basing my decisions on feelings rather than commitment, binge watching television which I had not done in three whole years; I also picked up some habits which, I had no idea where in the world I got them from. (Might I add– habits I honestly don’t believe were of any benefit to my walk with the Lord)…to mention but a few.
There was just too much inconsistency going on in my life which I despised.
Even though I had felt the weight on my shoulders lifted: both from the busy work environment and highly routined church environment to more flexible environments – including interactions with various people, I had begun battling problems touching on consistency, discipline and commitment.
It’s funny this thing: freedom. It can be both a great asset if used responsibly or a liability if used irresponsibly.
I have struggled for sure…getting a routine that works for me and if I might add – one that is consistent.
But the main reason why we are here today is this: forgiving myself.
I am choosing to forgive myself and start all over again.
Looking back, I now believe that that happened because it needed to happen that way. Otherwise, I would never have learnt how weak I was on my own; how fallible I was by myself even to an extent of which, if left by myself, I could self-destruct.
Previously, I thought myself to be above such silly failures. I mean, if somebody needed an example to follow — they needed to take a seat and take several notes and lessons from me. (Cringe) Truly, I cringe!
What manner of pride!
Again, I thank God, because He is first and foremost: loving, then He is true, and most importantly – gracious. (Should be noted that He normally does not operate in that order.)
Sometimes God allows us to get to such points just to show us…that we take pride in His work and ride on His glory even though we regularly throw around the phrase, ‘Ni Mungu tu’, or it’s all God’s doing.
Now, I will definitely not lie to you that I have somehow overcome my sleeping sickness…I am struggling with it even as I write this post. But I know I’ll get to my destination: that I know for a fact.
I know too, that God has already forgiven my pride and my self-exaltation. And I, also, choose to forgive myself as well; to be gentle with myself, to understand my weaknesses and strengths, and to hand them all over to Him to work on for His glory.
I am choosing to forgive myself for the year I have spent trying to change myself back to the girl of old, who, followed a certain routine that yes, worked for her back then but cannot work for her in this moment where she currently is at – in all aspects: physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even mentally.
Funny, how we human beings resist change. With every fiber of our being within us we truly fight it.
Nevertheless, even in the midst of what I would term as a mess myself: God has been creating a masterpiece. Because that mess has been a learning curve. I have learnt; I have grown, and I have gone through a metamorphing of sorts that to me, has seemed as messy and a failure.
But God, has seen a victory!
I am choosing to forgive myself for slothfulness, prayerlessness, lack of consistent Bible reading and just being honest with God.
I am forgiving myself for taking God’s grace for granted and riding on cheap grace.
I am forgiving myself for not giving the relationship I have had with God the reverential fear and honor it duly deserves.
I am forgiving myself for beating up myself so hard on account of my own failures; as well as setting for myself high standards that nobody in this flesh would be able to attain without God’s power and grace.
I am choosing to forgive myself for unbelief. For not trusting God loves me especially when I do not ‘feel’ His love.
I am choosing to embrace God’s forgiveness and grace. I am choosing to allow Him to do the work I have been trying to do by my own strength in vain; to allow His word to dwell richly in me in all wisdom and to transform, mend, renew and free me from the things that have been holding me hostage.
Again, because I am prone to find myself here once more, I am choosing to allow Him to remind me to cast my care upon Him because He cares for me.
To trust each moment to God: year by year, month by month, day by day, minute by minute, and second by second.
I am choosing to forgive myself, and most importantly, I am choosing to receive God’s grace and forgiveness.
Okay… Let’s just be honest, whenever most people hear anything about religion, their first reaction and instinct is probably to cringe or brush off the whole matter entirely.
Why? Most likely because it is a subject that is associated with extreme cases of fanaticism, it brings about a lot of conflicts and controversies, and even offends easily.
Religion is famously known for: manipulation, stagnation, repression, ignorance, bigotry and is too often a threat to liberty. And rightly so. I do agree. With that said, I recommend you to read two of my posts as well as encourage you to do a personal, extensive, and honest research on your own regarding this matter. Why?
As intellectuals (critical thinkers), I believe we owe it to ourselves to interrogate, examine, and ask hard questions regarding matters touching on faith rather than choosing to ignore them or even worse— follow blind faith. Click here for the first post.
Who speaks the truth with regards to a genuine, sincere and true relationship with God? Is it Buddha? Mohammed? Jesus? Zoroaster? Confucius? Joseph Smith? Guru Nanak? Krishna? Among others? Find out on this second post:
My heart overflows with a goodly matter; I speak the things which I have made touching the king: My tongue is the pen of a ready writer. Psalms 45:1
Thank you for reading this blog. Feel free to share it with others whenever and wherever.🙂
So good you’ve come to a place of forgiving yourself as HE HIMSELF has done to live in the freedom of grace HE extends and the new beginnings of mercy HE lends that is new every morning…
Each and everyday these days I am reminding myself of this truth. There is therefore now condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus; those who walk not after the flesh but the spirit.
No more carrying shame, guilt and accusations of the devil because Jesus carried that for me!