Jesus For Sale


“Where am I supposed to find God when I need Him?” asked a man. “I mean, there is the church building— I feel His presence sometimes whenever I walk amidst those grandes statues.

Inside Notre Dame, Lyon
Image: Pinterest Images

But many times, I have come to recognize that such experiences soon become fickle and after a while even feel lifeless.”


“Well, well, not to worry sir! Welcome to your one-stop God shop. Here, I believe you will find whatever you are searching for. We have God in plenty… not to worry, not to worry. – And – He is the true and living God. You know… the God of Israel, the Christian God? I will walk you through all the latest ‘Jesus’s’ we currently have, then you will get to select for yourself the ones you find more appealing and suitable to you,” responded the seller.

Good Old Plastic Jesus

“I would like to begin with the most popular and attractive of them all.

Good ol’ plastic Jesus —here— might be just what you are looking for my friend. Firstly, he is attractive, a sight to behold, and he is sculptured very delicately. In fact, we can even custom make one to suit your preference.


Secondly, he is there when you need him; anytime, anywhere…as long as you do not forget to carry him with you. You can place him on the dashboard of your car, or you can create a nice space for him in your house since he does not take too much space. He is a jolly good fella this one! And oh! He also does not speak at all. I can assure you that he will never be a bother to you!

People love to have good ol’ plastic Jesus around because he helps them out in their times of emotional trouble and distress… however, however… remember that you mustn’t forget to carry him around with you. You wouldn’t want to leave him behind because, god forbid something terrible happened to you in the course of your journeys and you do not have good ol’ plastic Jesus with you….terrible…terrible situation I envision there my friend.

I noticed as well that people like to purchase multiple good ol’ plastic Jesus’s because…well, they are people and they often forget… so having several plastic Jesus’s is an added advantage because one does not have to worry about carrying him around all the time or even worse forgetting him. If you buy multiple of him, you will have one for your car, one for your home, and even one for your office desk.

And most importantly, when you’ve had a rough day, you can always get some personal time with him; telling him of your struggles and issues. He is always present and ready to listen to all your woes as well as your confessions.

Moreover, due to his silent nature, plastic Jesus does not challenge his disciples to repentance. He will never raise alarm on your bad habits, lying, cheating, fornicating, blasphemy, hateful and unholy thoughts, etc., which this other Jesus who is peddled among some minority group of fanatic Christians raises. Heck! Even Paul Newman had one of our very own plastic Jesus’s in his film Cool Hand Luke and sang of his praises.

Well, I don’t care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through all trials and tribulations,
We will travel every nation,
With my plastic Jesus I’ll go far.

I don’t care if it rains or freezes
As long as I’ve got my Plastic Jesus
Glued to the dashboard of my car,
You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He’s Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you’re travelling far

I don’t care if it’s dark or scary
Long as I have magnetic Mary
Riding on the dashboard of my car
I feel I’m protected amply
I’ve got the whole damn Holy Family
Riding on the dashboard of my car

You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell
Goin’ ninety, I’m not wary
‘Cause I’ve got my Virgin Mary
Guaranteeing I won’t go to Hell

At a good price you can get good ol’ plastic Jesus. Indeed a small price to pay for this handsome looking fella!

Plastic Jesus on the dashboard

Smart Money Jesus

Then comes our much-loved goody goodies Jesus. And my, oh my, isn’t he one of my personal favourites. He is also commonly known as prosperity Jesus and he is likewise a favorite to many. In my opinion, he is the best Jesus of the ones I have here because he is the only one who longs with a deep desperate, longing to fulfil all our heart’s desires… we only need to just but name it and claim it, then we will receive it.

He works like a vending machine you see… but much better. He is like the genie man – your wish is his command. You just pray it, claim it and wait for it… and he will deliver it.

And if those things you have prayed for do not happen in a jiffy, then not to worry, it is not your time just yet – but your time is coming very soon – only believe and do not waver; keep the faith and the fire burning.

Persist on with claiming and manifesting your desires and all those things that you have prayed for and have been longing for will surely come to pass.

Prosperity Jesus too has his personality. He does not like people who ask for too little, and he also does not like people who give to the needy once in a blue moon or tithe occasionally and yet expect to receive his treats. He is impressed by the bold petitioners and the grand givers. I mean hasn’t he already told us to ask anything in his name, believing, and we will receive? Anything… just to emphasize that word. In addition, hasn’t he also already told us that the reason why most of us do not have what we desire or want is because we never ask?

Then surely, the problem must be on our end because prosperity Jesus seems to be more willing to give us our hearts desires than we seem to want them ourselves. He desires to prosper us, to cause blessings to flow in the direction of our businesses, to cause our supervisors to increase our salaries, to get us that car we so desire and so much more… Only, we must also do our part.

Goody Goody Jesus

Hitherto, we have the daring song of the piper and he has called the tune. Further, we also have that famous quote which dear friend I know you know too well, that says, ‘God does not help those who do not help themselves.’

I would recommend smart money Jesus for you. The only fundamental aspects of his demands (which are not as notorious as the Jesus of the fanatics), is that once you acquire him, you must keep up with your payments of tithes and offerings, claiming and manifesting your dreams, as well as believing and trusting on his timing without fainting, and he will surely but not fail you.

Do not mind those fanatic,  self-imposed patron saints who I had previously mentioned— as you will find them intimidating you because of your new investment by using this nasty term —works— to describe this small price we pay to acquire – our beloved prosperity Jesus.

Anyway, moving away from those deluded folks, the amazing news is that, once our lovely goodies Jesus has balanced the books and squared off your accounts and finds that you have enough good ‘works’ left over in your account, then you also get the chance to secure yourself one of the coolest places in heaven. What better deal than that right?

Polite Jesus

O polite Jesus! I have so much to say about him but I will limit myself only for the sake of time. Polite Jesus, I have observed, is mostly purchased by women for some reason. Thus, even before I get to presenting to you all his delights, I will first recommend that you get one for your wife and the women around you – one or even several – of him.

Polite Jesus is good for the soul. Just like good ol’ plastic Jesus here, he will also never offend you. Though unlike plastic Jesus, he speaks, but mainly through people, thus, you cannot carry him around physically. You can only carry him around in your thoughts and in your heart – that is how he likes to operate.

Moreover, he leans more to the liberal and woke aspects of life, you see, and he is not tied down to imageries or anything like that… he thrives in environments where people discuss perceptions, liberalism, positivism, subjectivism, rationalism, enlightenment, the god within, postmodernism, individual rights and such like concepts.

Polite Jesus is like his name describes – he will adulate you and laugh with you all throughout life. He will be like your bestie for resties as I hear some women like to call him. And when you do things that are kind of evil, he might look at you with a heartbroken wonder; almost ready to cry. However, on the same note, his eyes will be filled with so much compassion and understanding of your struggle to battle those little evil devils that so easily ensnare you and beset you; but eventually, he will be so much overcome by his desire to console you; reassuring you that nobody really is perfect and that we all make mistakes.

In fact, he will go so far as to point out and amplify other people’s mistakes to help you justify your actions and reactions to your offenders. He, as well, will readily forgive you even without your asking for his forgiveness. Isn’t he a treasure? He is indeed one of the fine Jesus’s I have here my friend!

In addition to all that, he speaks sweet soothing words that do not condemn or make one feel bad concerning their bad behaviours and sins – he only encourages his beloved to do better. And just to ensure that all his followers’ guilt-ridden minds and shame-filled hearts are eased, he recommends that his disciples rebuke the evil they do ever so often in his name daily so as to ward them off.

Polite Jesus will never go further than that lest he drives away those who love him so dearly. No! He cherishes his beloved so much to allow them to sink so deep into the depths of those fanatics who  demand that Jesus ‘true’ followers put to death the deeds of the flesh and their sinful natures.

My dear friend, polite Jesus is indeed one of the best Jesus’s we have here. Even though he is relatively more costly than good ol’ plastic Jesus here.

He is indeed one of a kind— a treasure’s trove. And futhermore, did I mention to you that he loves poetry as well?

Which reminds me, there is this one fanatic Jesus follower called A.W. Tozer (not of our sect – as I have clearly stated), who dared to oppose our adored polite Jesus describing him to be a poetic fiction, a product of the romantic imagination and maudlin religious fancy. Can you believe such horrific insults to our dear one? He further went on to blaspheme the name of our precious one by saying that he is gentle, dreamy, shy, sweet, almost effeminate, and marvellously adaptable to whatever society he may find himself in.

And to add salt to the injury, he dared to state that he is cooed over by women disappointed in love, patronised by celebrities and recommended by psychiatrists as a model of well-integrated personality. And he even dared to call us – us the children of polite Jesus, his beloved lot – quasi Christians – saying that we use our polite Jesus as a means to an end. What a travesty!

Those fanatic kinds are some thing else I tell you! With all their zeal and fervour! What a waste of energy and passion! Yet they always look pitiable and miserable even with all that zest!

Anyway, my dear friend, I have displayed to you the best of the best, the crème de la crème of our collection. There are so many Jesus’s available that I cannot exhaust the stash. These I have mentioned however, I have found, have the highest demand over the years, and even decades — as my family has been in this business for centuries.

I guarantee you that you will not find such a fine stockpile anywhere else in the world at such an affordable price!

Therefore, like prosperity Jesus, I conclude by challenging you to purchase for yourself, your wife, your friends and even those people who you find not much to your liking, several of these enviable treasures.

I assure as well you that you will not be disappointed by the results. In fact, I can almost guarantee that you will bring your friends over to have them get our variety of Jesus’s for themselves.

But I also hope that you will remember to emphasize to others that we are extremely categorical and unequivocal about our Jesus’ sales here. We flat-out  do not sell the Jesus of the fanatics. That way, your friends will not have to worry about looking foolish to the world or in the presence of men.

Our Jesus’s as I have demonstrated and described to you, are widely accepted by many because they are able to blend in beautifully in the world.

So what do you say eeh? Which ones appeal more to you? Which ones are more to your liking?”

Now, witticism aside.

The above situation precisely describes the state of  the state of the church and even the world in its relation to Jesus Christ at the present time. Several Jesus’s are for sale in this world – and the ones who make their purchases derive from them benefits equivalent to a quasi-Christ.

However, the Christ of scripture cannot be bought or sold because the price to pay is a demand of death to self— to all who receive Him as Lord and saviour.

Matthew 16:24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

This Christ of scripture, is a King reigning in great glory and power and coming to execute judgement among the nations. He is the one who, when John saw in His glory, fell down as though dead. Yet He was still the same Jesus whom he had spoken with, shared meals, laughed, and communed with while here on earth.

It is a fearful thing what has happened here on earth and especially in the churches. The substitution of the Jesus of scripture for other watered down Jesus’s; who are alarmed together with mankind at the wickedness of the world at this present time. A timid, fainthearted, and almost tearful messiah who is confused, bewildered and shocked at the world’s unfolding events.

Paul, as well, dealt with similar issues addressing the churches in Corinth and Galatia; telling them that if anybody preached a different Jesus than the one they had received in scripture, that that person should be accursed.

Galatians 1

6 I marvel that ye are so soon removed from him that called you into the grace of Christ unto another gospel:
7 Which is not another; but there be some that trouble you, and would pervert the gospel of Christ.
8 But though we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel unto you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed.
9 As we said before, so say I now again, If any man preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed.
10 For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ.

In as much as yes, God is merciful and compassionate, we must be careful not to cherry pick His attributes; choosing those which make us feel good, yet disregarding those we find to be an inconvenience especially to our fleshly natures. Or worse, creating a Jesus in our own minds who ascribes to our every whim and desire.

The Bible has warned us about the different Jesus’s and exhorted us to study the scriptures diligently so that we may not be subject to deception. Yes, the substitute Christs grant comfort and never challenge sin (missing God’s perfect standard), notwithstanding, they come at a great price. One may manage to live with them all their life, but a very great cost — their dear souls.

God is indeed merciful and gracious, that is why He calls us to examine our lives daily… that we may hold fast that which we have received, shunning everything and anything that would threaten to corrupt it.

Personally, I am not be ashamed by all means to be classified among the fanatic sect so long as the Jesus Christ I serve and live for everyday is the Christ of scripture. The Christ who instructed me from His word to take time and count the cost before following Him because He was not going to  lead me into comfort, popularity, prosperity, passiveness, or even a telenovela ending— but to death to myself every day.

This is the true Christ, this is the Christ who requires us to take up our crosses and follow Him to Calvary daily. And He has never, and never will, lower that bar for anybody— me included.

So which Christ did you receive? And which one do you submit to daily?

Featured Image Credit: Douglas Alan Hooley book cover

Matthew 7:13-14 Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

Okay… Let’s just be honest, whenever most people hear anything about religion, their first reaction and instinct is probably to cringe or brush off the whole matter entirely.

Why? Most likely because it is a subject that is associated with extreme cases of fanaticism, it brings about a lot of conflicts and controversies, and even offends easily.

Religion is famously known for: manipulation, stagnation, repression, ignorance, bigotry and is too often a threat to liberty. And rightly so. I do agree. With that said, I recommend you to read two of my posts as well as encourage you to do a personal, extensive, and honest research on your own regarding this matter. Why?

As intellectuals (critical thinkers), I believe we owe it to ourselves to interrogate, examine, and ask hard questions regarding matters touching on faith rather than choosing to ignore them or even worse— follow blind faith. Click here for the first post.

Who speaks the truth with regards to a genuine, sincere and true relationship with God? Is it Buddha? Muhammad? Jesus? Zoroaster? Confucius? Joseph Smith? Guru Nanak? Krishna? Among others? Find out on this second post:

Why Jesus Stands Out

My heart overflows with a goodly matter; I speak the things which I have made touching the king: My tongue is the pen of a ready writer. Psalms 45:1

Thank you for reading this blog. Feel free to share it with others whenever and wherever.🙂

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