I give up!
I typed those words on my Google page having reached one of those points of dead ends not expecting to find people who had given up on God and given up waiting on Him too, only to find them.
Yes, I found them, not one, not two, not three, not four but several, a multitude of people who got tired of seeking, calling upon and waiting on God.
I have been asking myself, “am I too weak or why am I getting weary of my situations as though I have no faith?” At times I look at people who are going through worse predicaments; someone who is struggling with critical illness, loss, financial depression and think to myself, “why are you complaining? Suck it up! Someone has it worse.”
Today, I said
I give up!
The search engine, brought me a couple of articles and I clicked on one (saying in my head, one day very very soon, this blog of ours will also be easily accessible on search engines—I claim it)
Now, that article was just what I needed, I did not want anything that was telling me, “don’t give up, keep going, you are almost there.” I wanted to find people who had given up.
I have never read this verse before, but I felt understood, even in my weariness God still spoke, I laughed my head off imagining Job speaking to God as though He was that annoying neighbour who can’t seem to keep his music on the low.
Then a still small voice inside said, “don’t compare your weariness and struggle just because those other cases seem so severe. God understands your emotions, your pain, your hurt, your discomfort, your resistance, your agony, He has given you Agnes grace and He gives each person their own grace in their own circumstances.”
I am a result oriented person, by this I mean, I put in effort and expect to get results at the end of it. I do not like to dwell on one thing for a long time, actually I get anxiety more from stagnantion than any other factor. I always want to see things moving, progress, growth, increase even if it is minimal movement as long as it is benefiting my overall state. But at times God calls us to hold on when it’s painful not because He wants to punish us, but because His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His will is greater and better than what we would will for our own lives. He is able to give us a recompense for all the pain and trouble. The question remains, “am I willing to keep trusting He is not man that He can lie?”
One day I am saying sprinkle grace like confetti another day I am saying Lord I give up, I asked, “does this reflect my unbelief or my deep–seated lack of faith? shall confusion be my portion forever?”
The still small voice said,
If you only notice, one thing is constant in your confusion as you call it, your source; if you were truly confused, you would not go to the same source in all your moods.
If you notice at the beginning of the post I used past tense when I said I found people who had given up on God; this is because even when they gave up, God still showed up. He did not get angry with them because for sure, He does sprinkle grace like confetti, He does understand, He does not give us more than we can handle and He does not condmem us for feeling tired.
So here we are,
Dear Lord, I do give up, but you are still on the throne and I have faith you shall do what you have promised. Empty my heart, mind, soul everyday and fill me with Your spirit.
Featured image credit:http://revpacman.wordpress.com