It is drizzling! It is Monday! It is beautiful!
I hope you guys had a wonderful weekend. Mine was truly beautiful. I am a woman of letters, I have realized that we are all blessed in different ways and with different gifts. At times I admire those people who are gifted in speech— I am usually fascinated by their eloquence, tones, their way of expression and confidence with spoken word. For me, pen and parchment are my tools of trade, I am a warrior with my pen.
This past weekend I exposed myself to many questions and it was not intentional; but due to the activities I undertook, the questions arising were inevitable. I watched some very interesting videos on YouTube about the Jewish community that caused my mind to really just open up. The thing with me is that I love learning, I have always loved learning, one time a special person in my life once told me, “never be afraid to say you don’t know if you truly don’t know, because that is an opportunity to learn”. Since then, I approached any question posed to me whether in private or in public with the same perspective.
I am always ready to embrace new things, but I can tell you for sure, it has not been easy. My personality type carries a high proportion of rigidity; in that I look for the best method of operation in any task and when I find it I roll with it and believe resolutely, out of all outcomes, one to be the best possible outcome. It takes sometime for me to embrace something else but I eventually get there.
This weekend, I revisited my old journals and I was humbled by my journey— not just spiritual journey but as a whole—emotionally, mentally, physically and psychologically. I also had to face some hard questions and about my health that caused me to wrestle against my faith.
I asked myself, “what is faith? How is my faith? Is my faith built on a lie or is it built on truth?” I remember the first time I decided to breakdown my writings into the different categories —where every topic falls under a specific category; and I remember vowing that I would be vulnerable with my spiritual journey. I would not hide any wounds, but open them up and trust they will heal if I expose them in truth and let the chips fall where they may.
I do know if any of you reading this article for the first time know, I had struggled with my an issue my doctor called colitis /gastritis for a long time and I just remember telling God, “I cannot take it anymore. I am tired of taking pills, I am tired of medicine, I am tired of worrying and worrying, anxiety after anxiety! I am tired Lord, I am done!”
Yes! That’s how I said it. I do get emotional but I have learnt with Him, I can be myself and He loves it that way.
Now, one time I was reading the Bible and God had spoken to me about my healing way before I broke down above and I will never forget that Bible verse. I read it for the first time from the Good News Bible and it said,
I will make you well again;
I will heal your wounds,
though your enemies say,
‘Zion is an outcast;
no one cares about her.’
I, the Lord, have spoken.”
And I knew with this verse, I would get well for sure but here I was, frustrated and honestly so tired of the fear and anxiety cycle.
Long story short, I held on to this verse and I stopped taking the drugs. I started a new diet and I placed my faith in God.
⚠Disclaimer —I do not recommend anyone trying this anywhere. Kindly take your meds if you have been instructed to take your meds by the doctor. ⚠ This was an individual decision, nobody talked me to doing this, it was a faith move on my part. (please note this is my journey, mine– do not compare, do not imitate)
There was this rapid improvement to my overall health and I stopped holding back from foods I would previously not have eaten because of acid reflux and some out of fear.
Amazing! Amazing! Amazing! Shouts of praise to the Lord. Glory to God.
It was all great until recently, when I felt this weird pain in my stomach again, all the way to my nerves and I remember thinking “Oooh no, not again, not again, not again Lord”
And legit, I was truly devastated. Let me tell you, it is possible for your faith to be switched off like a bulb. One minute you’re on the high roll, you are a flying bird and the next something just hits you and you fly down rapidly to the ground laying there wounded.
I had questions, I still have questions, I am the one to get into the interrogation room and say, “okay, Agnes, what’s happening, it must me something you did, God is angry with you and we are not leaving here until we find it and fix it”
This is my heart (the heart refered to as deceitful and desperately wicked, who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9), this is how my carnal mind looks at things sometimes. “It must be something I did, God is punishing me, I must rectify it, I must gain back His trust, I must pray unceasingly, I must submit to Him, I must work back His trust,”
I truly thank God for the Holy Spirit. And legit I am not lying, I would be okay in this world if I just had the Holy Spirit as my only companion. A therapist is great, a good friend is great as well but there are places they can never get to, there is a darkness that overcomes you that they cannot get you out of. Only one person can get to it, (the person of the Holy Spirit) and He just asked me.
“Who are you?”
I said, “well, I am Agnes.”
He asked again, “who are you?”
“I am Agnes and I am trying okay? I am not perfect, I am trying!”
“Who are you?”
Finally, after getting it wrong severally, I said,
“I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.”
And it is settled.
I don’t care what the hell my body does, what it feels like today, what it feels like tomorrow, what it was, what it will be tomorrow, how it will behave, if it will bleed, if it will scratch, if it will be in pain, if it will get hurt. Whatever it is!
I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.
That is the truth, that is not just my truth or some delusion! It is the truth of the whole world. Jesus Christ is the way, the truth and the life!
Outside Him, we are all dead! There is no life, so I will ride with Him in life, I will not always feel like it, but He doesn’t need my works or for me to do anything more to earn salvation. I follow Him and let the miracles unfold.
I love reading my old journals, because I can truly see what He has gotten me out of in the past.
And I put my whole trust in Him. I am fish in living water, if anything pull me out. I die period. Outside Jesus, I have no life.
My faith, is ever-being stretched, I love that about my journey. God doesn’t allow me to get comfortable with it, He says, “wait a minute, I need to take my fish into deeper waters” Notice, He doesn’t remove me from the water but takes me deeper, so my carnal mind will automatically assume someone just yanked me out, I am drowning, I am going to die for sure— but it is just God teaching me to swim into new deep waters.
I pray for you reading this, to encounter Jesus Christ in a way that will make you question everything that you have ever come across. Because that is what He does. He gives you new life, you question the old life and you desert it at the cross. I serve a God who raises the dead! That’s enough for me to know, that the greatest is on my team! The rest are just offences trying to pull me down but only end up plunging me deeper to my Savior.
Have a wonderful week! Stay blessed and see you tomorrow God willing!