I couldn’t wait to get my hands on this space again. I had really missed writing. My goodness how I love to write. How God has used writing to heal me, to reveal Himself to me, to comfort me, to reach into the innermost deep areas of my soul and make me question, examine and seek for answers.
Who am I? What is my purpose on this earth? To the point of breaking down on paper and ripping my heart out to Him and crying, “LORD, I cannot walk without you, I won’t walk without you any more… speak to me, talk to me, say something, anything, who am I, why am I hurting, what is the meaning of all this life and death?”
Looking back my whole life, things always felt shallow and on the surface, yet my heart had this depth & longing for dimensions I could not explain. I searched on earth but in vain. I was so lost— oh when I think about that girl now I just want to embrace her and tell her Jesus had this depth, healing, power, love, identity and wholeness she was searching for.
I left social media around the same time I began the journey of seeking self awareness little did I know it would lead me to Jesus. I was actually taking a two-week break off my social media pages which turned into four years.
Up to this point of demanding boldly and having not a care if He would smite me for my barbaric tones, I didn’t think He spoke, I doubted He cared, listened or even existed. All my life I had prayed general prayers, sleepy prayers even reciting repetitive prayers but nothing! No depth. Until, I encountered a mountain that utterly crippled me and I desperately needed Him.
I sought Him with earnest force, desperation and vexations of the heart for four years on paper, day in day out. And I almost gave up— then, there He was—His presence, so glorious, so full. His love engulfed me so powerfully, I remember that night seated alone almost midnight listening to music and this song came up that brought me to tears (Thy will be done by Deborah Cox) I couldn’t stop crying and laughing with joy which ultimately turned into weeping.
Something was different, something was new, something had happened I had received the revelation of Jesus Christ for the first time in my life. His Holy Spirit was there and I had His peace, joy and love.
When I felt His love and His embrace; all the shame, hurt, rejection, anger, pride, strife in my heart for the first time felt like a grain of sand in His presence. He had filled that empty void of darkness. He started bringing down walls in my life that I had feared for so many years would never come down.
This is the reason why I have this spiritual journey category on my blog because I needed to create a space of vulnerability. A place of sharing these wounds that I was so afraid to show others— even my own shadow.
I remember one time asking God, “Why did you create me this way? Why do I feel so much? Why do I always seek to please other people? Why am I not like other people?” Why do I feel like I do not belong here? Why do I feel so deeply about everything and everyone and even nothing?”
Now, here I am writing these words revealing parts of myself to the whole world because Jesus heals. I am no longer ashamed of who I am or the things I have been healed from.
Stepping into these halls of my life gives me the chills. Recollecting the memories, friends, acquaintances and journey is like looking at two totally different people.
I recall thinking about going back to social media around August last year to share my newly found light. I even prayed about it, not that I didn’t think God was saying I shouldn’t go back, actually He wanted me to go back to share this light; but I was frightened old demons would resurface so I kept saying, I wasn’t ready. I chickened out.
During this whole journey watching God reveal Himself to me through my own words, healing me and restoring the broken parts of my life, has made me hold this part of me so close to my heart that I freeze even at the thought revisiting my social media pages.
But no more.
I am ready to face the world for Jesus even demons.
It has taken me four years to reflect, heal, rediscover and recover and I can’t wait to write this new social media chapter for God now. When I logged into my facebook account, I thought “men, it’s a whole new world in here and I am so rusty, where do I begin?”— Well, I won’t start by running but with a single step.
There are thousands of people dying everyday with no hope, in bitterness and in so much pain wondering why they were ever born yet all life’s purpose meets and ends with only one name.
The purpose for each and everyone’s life on earth has always been God. The world needs hope, the world needs to know that Jesus saves and more importantly for people to encounter Christ for themselves. As for me, I can’t hide in my comfort any longer. I am stepping out for Jesus because He died publicy for me.
Oh Lord, How I pray that men would just taste and see that the Lord is good. Dedicate their whole lives asking, seeking and knocking with all their heart that they may behold you.